Dear Transformers,
You may have noticed that I all but disappeared over the last two weeks. In the past I would have been so sorry and felt compelled to come up with tons of excuses but for once in my life I am going to refrain from apologizing for needing a mental and emotional timeout.
You see, about two weeks ago my littlest one suffered a febrile seizure due to a spiked temperature. It scared THE SHIT out of my little family. I'll spare you the finer details but suffice it to say that in the midst of our little crisis I found myself desperately needing to take my own advice.
You see, my go-to response in times of crisis is 'to do.' It keeps me safe. It keeps me from admitting just how scared, and vulnerable, and powerless I feel. It helps me create an image of control. Well, sitting in the hospital holding my little one, I felt everything but in control. What I felt, when I was sensible enough to draw my attention to it, was:
My shoulders up around my ears
My heart squeezing
My breath short and stifled
My gut churning
An energy field around me that said "don't fuck with me."
And for once in my life instead of running from these sensations I succumbed to them. I gave myself to the overwhelming reality that I had no more control over the virus battling with my two-year-olds body then I do over my ability to stop myself from feeling, to stay in control.
I cried.
Oh how I cried.
But the benefit to being honest with myself, is that I was more inclined to be honest with others. The next day at work I greeted clients with the honest and resolved fact that I only had about 50% of myself to give. And you know what they did, far from rebuking me or getting angry, they hugged me and held space for me. They met me where I was and gave me full leave to be less than perfect. What a gift indeed.
This all leads me to say, from today onward please don't resolve to be anything more than or less than fully yourself.
Be more present.
Be more whole.
Be more authentic.
Be more less.
Be more great.
Give yourself permission to be more you...