From Lindsey's Desk: Dear Men, What Would You Like To Be?

I loved a man once. The type of love that puts into perspective all the 'love-like' emotions that you had entertained in the past and now come to realize pail in comparison. The type of love that cracks you open, leaves you peacefully exposed: a sigh of relief.

I loved a man once: He died, suddenly.

This is for him.

...

Picture it, Seattle, 2025. I'm sitting across from a well-respected artist in his field. A household name for those who keep coffee table books on the topic neatly piled and aesthetically positioned on expensive furniture. The type of furniture to be seen, not touched.

Which is what I am thinking his childhood might have been like as he goes to great lengths to explain it to me as a rationalization as to why he could not be susceptible to sexism, racism, or any "other nasty words in my agenda."

As a systems designer and executive coach working at the intersection of trauma healing, leadership development, and cultural transformation, I work with men like him every day. Patterns I typically see, include:

• A rigid physical (somatic) expression. When he walks into the room he is attempting to gain status by puffing up his chest, avoiding eye contact, and giving me a strong handshake with his hand top-side. I'm slightly taller than he is with my heels on, so he is doing a lot of extra physical work. (Bless his heart)

• A belief in rugged individualism most likely beat into him (literally, not figuratively) in his home of origin. He was raised in the psychological mine field of 'let them cry it out' and 'boys don't cry' phase of American child-rearing.

• An allegiance to the lone hero-myth of leadership. He uses "I' statements when talking about the success of the company - I built this, I worked hard for this, I sacrificed-.

I'm noting all of this as he continues his long diatribe (none of which was the reason for this meeting) when it occurs to me to ask him bluntly, "do you think you are a good leader?" Perhaps it was my bluntness that caught him off guard mid-sentence, or perhaps it was my correct suspicion that people rarely ask him direct, no bullshit questions, but his answer seemed genuine.

Him: "No, I'm not a great leader. I've never done leadership training. I'm just a boy from a rural town who got lucky."

Me: "Clearly you are a skilled artist, but I agree with you. According to the plethora of data we have collected over the past three years there is much you could learn about managing and leading people. Would you like to learn it? Would you like to be as great a people leader as you are an artist?"

Him: "Yes, that would be great."

Me: "Then I can help you do that."

A few hours later, he asked to have me fired.

In our ongoing exploration of why people who seemingly have all the resources, faculties, and opportunities to become great leaders intentionally choose not to (un)learn how to become one, I have looped in two of my favorite men to discuss the rise of Alpha Male messaging and its impact on men and the communities we co-exist within.

Joining me on the Unlearning Podcast virtual stage are Brian Cartwell, Founder of Finding Good, and Professor Neil Shyminsk, researcher and writer. Two men who are showing up to not only attend to their own personal work, but also the work of authentic leadership by "going to get their people."

In a recent study (April, 2025) conducted by the Pew Research Center, 42% of Republican voters said that men experience some or a lot of discrimination, and 27% of Democractic voters agreed with them. This was an interesting insight when the same study showed that 55% of Republicans said that white people experience discrimination, and 21% of Democratic voters agreed with them. What I could not find in my review of the study is what definition participants were using to define discrimination. Without that definition I hear my mind whispering Franklin Leonard's famous quote, "when you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression."

Discussing toxic masculinity, the rise of alpha males messaging, and the resulting rise in male suicide rates and totalitarianism is a tough conversation to have across gendered experiences at the best of times, (you will see about half way through how my own trauma gets triggered during our discussion) but these conversations are essential if we are going to reach our highest potential as individuals, leaders, and as a society.

Watch Here >

Like Brian, I lost a man I loved, to death by untreated mental illness. They say that suicide impacts communities in a uniquely traumatic way, and I can attest personally to the unique ways it made me question everything I believe about my god, nature, and my capacity to be open and vulnerable again. We are losing our men and simultaneously we are excusing the reactive behaviors of clearly hurting and deeply traumatized men in our homes, workplaces, and the highest places of influence. What is most interesting about this, at least to this nerdy social scientist, is the vast discrepancy between what is allowed to pass for "leadership" between men and women, and between white people and people of color.

Dear Men, I ask you. What would you like leadership to be, and is this it?

Forever Curious,

Lindsey T. H. Jackson